Heartbreak, Healing, & Hope~Chapter One

I can't bring myself to write directly about the loss of Kaytie and how I am coping in Anna's blog. I want to keep Anna's blog upbeat and truly about the adventures of me and Anna. My pregnancy with her took a sad turn. So much of my life became about my grief and sorrow and I feel like a did an injustice to Anna. I wasn't able to focus on her the last 4 months of my pregnancy. So her blog is for her. Here, in this place, I will put down my thoughts and emotions about the tragic turn my life took in 2014. I hope over time writing will help me heal.

Six months ago, I lost my best friend and only sister. If you are lucky enough to have a sister and have a close relationship with them, you know that it is a one of a kind experience. The love sisters have for each other is incredible. You have someone in your life that most likely knows everything about you, knows your secrets, and funny moments, is the person you call when you are super happy or really sad. A sister is like a special gift that promises you won't ever be alone. You will always have your sister.

These past two months since Anna has been born have been tough. We gave Anna Lenee Kaytie's middle name. During the first month it took some getting used to saying Anna's name over and over. Mom would sing us songs when we were babies with our names in them. While she was staying with us I relearned them. So each night I would sing songs to Anna Lenee. Saying Lenee over and over and knowing why that was her middle name resulted in several nights of tears while getting Anna ready for bed.

The first time I had to take Anna over to Nick and Kaytie's I cried nearly all the way. I should be taking Anna to visit her Aunt Kaytie, but Kaytie wasn't there. Sometimes when Anna is really crying we go and sit in her room in the dark and rock and I imagine Kaytie there with us. I wonder if she can see us or hug us. I cry silently while Anna cries.

We have a big picture of Kaytie in Anna's room. Sometimes while I am sitting in the rocker I catch Anna staring at it. I like to think she recognizes Kaytie, since I believe Kaytie watched over while she was in my tummy and still does.

The loneliness that I have been feeling has been incredibly heavy. I miss her. I need to talk to her. I would tell her crazy things about my body and healing and what it was like to have a baby. I want to tell her about having sex for the first time after. Things that you wouldn't talk to anybody else about. I want to be a bossy big sister and tell her everything she needs to know when she has a baby and gets pregnant. I just want to talk. I know I have people in my life. I have TJ and my mom to talk to but it's not like talking to your sister. Your sister is required to hang out with you and listen to you by default. The rest of the world has no obligation to you. I am lonely. I am missing a piece.

This sounds silly, but I am struggling changing my profile picture. It is one of the last pictures with Kaytie and I will never take another one with her. That reality is tough.

The holidays are approaching fast and we are facing the reality of balancing our sadness of missing Kaytie and our joy of celebrating with Anna. I want to believe in the power of the happiness that Anna has brought us. My whole family has laughed and smiled and loved more in the last two months then we had in the months before Anna's arrival. She is our miracle and has brought into our lives and amazing hope and joy.

The Sunday before Anna was born I needed to finish one of my pregnancy blogs. The one from that weekend that Kaytie passed away. I needed to get all of that out of my head so I could stop reliving it. I needed to store that memory somewhere and release the hold it had on me. I couldn't start being a mommy if I still carried this. So I sat at my computer and I sobbed as I recounted those moments. I posted it to my blog, but didn't post it on Facebook. If you would like to you can click here to read it. I don't know if I will ever open that particular post back up, but it's there.

The next couple of month will be tough, but really, what month isn't?

Pray for healing,
Leigha Denee